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To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation