i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
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Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Mmmm canned fish.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
PRIEST: god knows how you鈥檙e behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn鈥檛 listening): and also with you
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
馃幎we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you鈥檙e wondering why i鈥檓 so diabolical
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god鈥檚 sake, Milo, we鈥檝e got a pandemic on
British websites use biscuits.
This Halloween, I鈥檓 going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Neighbor鈥檚 garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.