Pee pressure > peer pressure
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Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
my first dose meeting my second
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?