[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
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the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Eggs benadryl my favourite
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!