Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
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7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.