Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
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“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother