When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
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Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Current mood: Potato
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO