You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
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My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
$4 #usedbooks
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management