If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
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I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared