Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
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[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
181.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler