[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
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Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???