When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
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Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air