Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
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Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
the icebreaker
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I’m so full I could puke a horse
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again