Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
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ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
how much for the angry fruit?
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad