Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
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All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.