10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
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My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I’m not proud
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.