Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
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My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily