An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
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Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Tastes like chicken.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.