[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
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I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor