Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
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The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
my mind
You just read my mind
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
scared to check what name she chose
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first