I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
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A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related