I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
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“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.