Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
You Might Also Like
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.