The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
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Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
won’t smith
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning