Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
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My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I can’t wait!
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.