Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
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Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Monday
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus