Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
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Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Autocorrect completely socks
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?