[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
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The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
best review i’ve ever seen
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.