i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
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‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Legend 🤣🤣
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.