Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
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Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Worth remembering.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Just so funny
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.