I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
You Might Also Like
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
It’s a gift
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?