NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
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My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
men are simple creatures
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”