I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
You Might Also Like
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Looking at you, Jesus.