It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.