Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
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This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT