I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
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I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Saturday
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.