I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
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*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I think this should do it.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
boat question
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.