Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
You Might Also Like
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Sex so good you see dead people.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.