It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
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If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you