The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
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Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
PLOT TWIST:
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Owl Sanctuary
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September