I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
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*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
My love language is hissing.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Still cracks me up
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
The “research” scene in every horror movie
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.