Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
there’s probably a fee though
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks