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Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
don’t we all
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single