Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
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You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
A Short Story.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.