My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
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If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.