There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
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Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
wut hotdog?
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.