Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
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not to brag, but mine was free
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
yeah 😭
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
the Monday after daylight savings
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.