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How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
adding to the discourse
I’m listening
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.