Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
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“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
(yawn)
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”