Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
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CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.